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30 years' flashback

As I step into the realm of 31-40, I decide to take a quick look back and reflect on my past 30 years of living.

Earliest memories I had was probably at age 3. I remember playdates with cousins, birthday parties with relatives, fights and scares with my two brothers. I remember running along the beach in wet undies, catching the waves and pretending to be able to swim.

Turning 5 was the first major turn in my life. That was the year my sister was born. The year I suddenly was no longer the youngest. The year I started to learn what it was like to be an older sibling and what it means to have a younger one.

I had an awesome childhood throughout my primary school years. Secondary school was very academically busy and socially challenging but not so eventful in the grand scheme of things.

University life definitely had a huge part in shaping me into the person I am today. Being far away from the comfort of home and family forced me into self-reliance, independence and discipline. I still don't think I was mentally ready at that stage, but I did learn a lot from the experience.

Then came boring worklife, eventful family dramas and then marriage. Getting married to d2 was one of the happiest days of my life. Next was giving birth to Zia.

All in all, I've had a relatively eventful life. In the more recent years, I've lost some friendships and made some bad decisions but I've learnt to forgive and reflect.

Although I don't have thousands of dollars to spare, I have but a small cosy home that I share and a humble job as a teacher, I am contented with my life. I might not get everything I want, but I have everyone I need. And that's enough for me. For this life. :)

I wonder how life would be like in the afterlife.

Lil Cupcake <3

Never thought I'd love someone as much as I love Mohd Ridzuan Bin Aziz, but I do. My sweet lil cupcake Zia. :) It isn't your birthday yet, but this entry is dedicated to you.

Lil Cupcake. That was my nickname for you ever since I found out I was two weeks pregnant with you. You were just a dot in a sac back then, I wasn't sure whether you'd be a girl or boy, but I had a hunch you'd be a girl. ;)

Pregnancy had its up and downs. Some mothers experience bad bouts of morning sickness with nausea and vomiting. I didn't vomit, but there were occasional nausea from time to time.

When I was pregnant with you, I had lots of fruit - especially mangoes, longans and durians. I craved for western foods, like that one time I wanted an Australian beef pie so badly that your daddy and I went looking everywhere for a Vili pie. (We found it at NTUC. Yay! X)) -I also craved for Wendy's baked potato with chilli and cheese and chocolate frosty ice cream. Every day at work I ate green tea soya bean pudding. It was our favourite! Too bad the shop is closed down now. :(

Then there was the case of shingles - bad skin problem that caused blisters all over one side of the body. That was awful, esp when you were getting big in my tummy. Good thing about my having shingles is that you're now protected and immune from chicken pox. Allah knows best. :)

I walked around a lot when I was pregnant with you, travelling from school to school teaching Olympiad Math. So my feet was very swollen from water retention. Daddeh was kind enough to massage them from time to time. :) I love my job, teaching Olympiad Math is fun. Difficult but fun. Sometimes when I was teaching, I'd pretend I was teaching you. Hopefully indirectly you'll have a superhigh iq and be awesome at puzzles and at math. :p

Labour was unfortunately difficult, traumatic and dramatic to say the least. You were a relatively big baby with a big head circumference considering it was my body's first experience in giving birth. Here are your stats:
Born 4/9/12 @ 2359
Vacuum extraction
3.510 kg
Head 34 length 49
17 Syawal 1433

The painkillers and epidural somehow did not work on me. So the pain was tremendous, and I almost went through cesarean surgery due to my body and legs hyperventilating from too much gas. In the end, I still managed to give birth to you naturally, though I suffered a fourth degree tear that took me 3 whole months to recover from. And because the painkillers didn't work on me, I felt the pain of every stab and every stitch as they sewed me back up.

Despite everything that was happening, I still remember the first time I laid eyes on you. It felt weird, almost surreal.. But it felt right. Like as if I've been waiting for you not for nine months but my whole life.

If anyone were to ask me, if I could relive my life would I go through it again, the answer would be yes. You're not the standard mold baby that is easy to care for, but that's all the more reason why I love you so much. You have the sense of hearing that's better than a mouse, you are highly attuned to your surroundings and you're such a fast learner.

One day you will grow up to be one smart lil lady who knows what she wants in life and has the confidence to chase after her dreams. Time is flying too fast, and you're growing too fast for me and daddeh's liking. But no matter how many birthdays go by, my precious lil cupcake, you'll always be my baby girl. <3

A year closer to 30

And just like that, I am hereby 29 years old. One step away from the big 30.


Lots of things have changed, many things have happened in the past year..

I got pregnant - felt how it's like to feel nauseous every day.. got to suffer from the pain of shingles.. experienced swollen feet from water retention.. felt exhilarated everytime baby kicked..

I gave birth (traumatically) - realised that labour/childbirth is HIGHLY romanticised, not as easy and fun as they make it out to be.. experienced how it feels like to have a 3.510 kg baby with a big head circumference pass through my small vagina and hips.. experienced how it feels like when no painkiller/epidural works.. experienced traumatic labour, suffering from worst possible 4th degree tear from vagina to anus.. felt every stitch of sewing through my skin.. took weeks to recover..

I am a Mommy - traumatic labour aside, I now have a beautiful lil baby girl.. flesh that I could call my own.. there are times when I hated myself and I felt like I'm the worst mother alive.. but I realise now that I'm not perfect, I can never be, and that I just have to try my best to be the best mother I can be..

This year's birthday feels like the shortest bday ever, but it's also the most humbling.

I'm thankful that I am still alive to see this day. I thank Allah for my wonderful husband, for my beautiful baby, for my supportive parents and parents-in-law, for my precious siblings and siblings-in-law, for my bestest buds and for my extended family and everyone else out there who have been part of my life, who has taught me lessons, who have helped shape the person I am today. I have not been perfect, I have made many mistakes, so please forgive me if I have erred.

I hope to be the best wife, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best mother and the best person I can be. Insya'Allah.. :)

Japan :(

So... All the planning down the drain.

Not just planning for the trip, buying stuff for the trip, hotel booking, packing, etc, but lots of effort in terms of having to call up parents, rearrange makeup lessons, getting colleagues to takeover some lessons.. It's never easy for me to take leave from teaching..

Of all things to slip the mind...

Visa - the only time I ever needed to apply for one was 12 years back.. Back when I first came to Australia for my studies.. And that was a student's visa, different procedure. Since coming back from Australia, I've never travelled much. Even before Australia, I've never travelled much. Never been to Hong Kong, or Taiwan, or Europe, or Korea, or Bali, or even Thailand. And the only time I've gone to Indonesia was back when I was five. So for a very inexperienced traveller, dumb and obvious as it may be, visa was the last thing that crossed my mind.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm trying to be optimistic but can't help but feel bad that I ruined the trip. I've always wanted to go to Japan, was so happy my dream was about to come true, only to realise I woke up from a dream in a dream.

Better luck next time. Holding a Malaysian passport sucks. It's so hard to travel anywhere, I feel like giving up my Malaysian citizenship and turning Singaporean.

And maybe I should quit my job too while I'm at it.

Just the two of us

Tonight it's just me n zia. The Daddeh is on reservist, so I'm a single parent tonight. Miss him pretty bad. He always picks me up from the bustop after work, so when I didn't see him smoking his cigg waiting for me at the bustop today, it felt like something was missing. :(

Reminds me of the time I was stuck in parkway east hospital for 4 days after labour. That was more than 7 mths ago, but it feels like only yesterday. He stayed for as long as he could to keep me company, but they shooed everyone out by 11+pm. He would hold back tears in his eyes whenever he had to leave. It was very hard to see him leave, but it must be a thousand times harder on his heart to be the one leaving his jaundiced baby and post-traumatic-labour-recovering wife behind. I never needed him more, and vice versa. Though it was quite a traumatic labour, it brought us closer than ever before. Zia brought us closer than ever before. And you can imagine how happy we were when the doctor said I could finally go home. :)

Anyway, I've been so bz juggling classes, curriculum planning, ninja mums and qristal planning. Qristal is gonna open on 1st May, so now I'm busy doing up the program and fees. Renovations are complete, just need to clean up the whole place. Once qristal is up and running, Mama wants me to be the main person running it. Not sure if I will have the time, but I will have to make time.

Also thinking of getting a house in Jb. Maybe senibong cove, or a condo in danga city. Condo feels much safer to me, considering the high level of criminal break-ins in Malaysia. Will see how it goes. Am also applying for Malaysian citizenship for zia so that she gets dual privilege until she hits legal age. That way I also get to apply asb loan for her. Asb is just awesome, love the returns and dividends.

The daddeh recently scored a better paying job that pays more than double of his old pay. Alhamdulillah.. He's so happy he's already planning what to splurge on me and zia. :p Hopefully he loves the new job just as much as the pay.

Guess that's all I have to update for now. Things are looking good and I hope it will keep getting better. :)


Sunday 7th April was Zia's first lesson at Shichida. Needless to say, I was the one who was super excited. :)

We enrolled in the Springleaf Tower branch instead of Toa Payoh Hub branch. Partly due to better reviews, mostly due to closer vicinity to Marine Parade. Funny considering I was offered a job as an instructor there. Passed their tests and interviews (boy did they have lots of tests - flashcard test, art/drawing test, open ended essay). The principal really wanted me to join, even gave me the contract to bring home to reconsider. But I rejected the offer as I needed a job that would pay better and have better salary increments).

Neway, wanted to take a bus to Anson Rd, but Zia fell asleep so we took taxi instead just the three of us.

Reached half an hour before class (as instructed in the letter) but admin staff at the counter said, "So early?" -__- So we took our Shichida starter kit bag and chose the free t-shirt size for zia and then headed down to explore. Found a Mac so me and the daddeh shared a double choc frappe (thereafter appointed as his new favourite drink).

Made friends with a Chinese couple whose daughter is one year old and Zia's classmate. The mummy seems really nice. :) I click better with Chinese ladies than I do with ladies who like to "step kakak2" or ladies who like to bitch and rant abt people.

There were 11 of us in the classroom. Teacher Shadiqin (she's a super nice Malay lady with a somewhat American accent), me & zia, bonnie & her daughter, two mommies with their babies and a dad with his baby. Rare to find a Singaporean dad more interested than the mom to attend things like this, so my respect goes to him. It's compulsory for parent to attend classes together with the child; Shichida believes that parent-child bonding is important for healthy and positive learning.

Class started with the Japanese hello song. Super cute. Had to bow konnichiwa sensei and konnichiwa minnasan (coincidentally good practice for the Japan trip). Then there was the energy ball exercises, parent/baby hugging bonding session, book reading, abc song (zia really loved the abc song, nope it's not the same usual twinkle2 lil star tune), alphabet recognition game, esp training exercises, song interval, flashcards, motor skills activities, telepathy exercises, more fun songs, then it was time for teacher to fill up observation book and we could go home. Total about 75 minutes. Class was really fun and rather fast paced so it's definitely not boring.

Nonetheless, there was a baby who slept thru most of the class. Understandable, baby is only 4 mths old so he needs more naps. He decided to wake up in the last minute of class tho. :p

All in all a good first day experience. Most importantly, Zia had a good time. ^_^ I would never have signed up anyway if I wasn't sure she would love it. She was so chatty and active throughout class. Bz talking to her friends, who either just stared at her blankly or smiled back. :p

After class ended, zia timely fell asleep still in the classroom. Too tired from all the fun.

Can't wait for the next lesson. X)

Life as a mommy

Heya.. Typing this while I'm in transit waiting for my second bus. The only time when I have time is when I'm waiting for the bus, and when I'm on the bus. That's pretty much the only me time I have.

So.. Coming to 7 months now as a mommy, and when they said you will never get enough sleep again, they weren't kidding.

I think we've been doing a decent job so far. Darling hubby has been more helpful than I could ever ask for, even since pregnancy. At the start of pregnancy he wasn't, but once the bump started showing, he was all care and concern. He helped with clearing Muffin's litter tray, bathed Muffin, did the dishes, gave me foot massage when my feet were swollen, and he was there with me holding my hand tight every second of my painful and traumatic labour. The most challenging part though, was after labour. What with the screaming baby, and my post-labour injuries (fourth degree tear from vagina to anus + torn ligaments and thigh muscle strain). He did EVERYTHING. Took care of the baby and took care of me. It may sound easy, but it wasn't. I couldn't even walk due to my torn ligaments, I couldn't even dress myself or put on my underwear, or even hold my pee. He helped me with everything, even cleaned up after me, and then run to soothe screaming baby and later run back to prepare food for me. I'm forever thankful for such a loving husband, and I love him to bits, much much more than I ever have. :)

So yeah, now lil cupcake is 6.7kg heavy and 63cm long. :) no longer a screamer, a sweet lil darling who is always observing, chuckling, reading and watching tv :p they say tv's not good for kids but I disagree. I watched tons of tv and learnt a lot from it, and turned out fine. It just depends what shows you watch. We let her watch Spartacus, walking dead, survivor, American idol, robot combat league, amazing race and Nickelodeon's teenage mutant ninja turtles. We try to watch shameless only when she's asleep. XD

So far she hasn't fallen off the bed or had any other bad falls. We're trying to be pretty observant parents. She has fallen ON the bed or mattress though, so she can learn to pick herself up. She's more of a walker than a crawler. Might end up walking before crawling, from the looks of it. Understandable. After all, she doesn't see mommy or daddy crawling. Everyone is on their feet. So we bought her a bouncer thingy for her to stand and jump. Walkers with rollers are dangerous. No I'm not being over-protective. Niece yoya was in her walker and walked at the edge of a raised floor, toppled over, walker and all.

Uh-oh, reached my bustop. Bye.

It's really irritating...

..when people don't want to say things straight to my face. I find it insulting.

D2 keeps scolding me saying it's my own fault for choosing her as a partner. But I really thought she would make an awesome partner. She's resourceful, smart, efficient. She may be a lil too quiet sometimes and very hard to converse with (trust me, I've been trying for years), but I have always felt she has her good points, and that's what I keep telling d hubby.

Sigh. I dunno what went wrong. Let's start from beginning and maybe we'll see better..

At the very start we brainstormed for ideas. Everyone contributed a lot of names. I had my favourite few and in the end we agreed to go with hers. D2 spent a lot of time drawing and came up with the logo. She sourced for products and I must say, did a damn good job of it (hence why I kept defending her when d2 said I should have chosen someone I know better). She told me to be in charge of advertising/marketing? And she was in charge of orders. But there really isn't much advertising to do. The bulk of the job was taking orders from customers, organising with suppliers once orders are confirmed, and sorting out orders and mailing them out once items have reached.

All of which is done by her.

So she's:
- sourcing for suppliers
- taking orders and queries
- liaising with suppliers AND
- sorting out and mailing items to customers

Initially I was worried it seemed like she's doing a lot. Voiced out many times to redelegate the work. She kept saying she's fine, she's too free at work. But I want to contribute too. This doesn't feel like a partnership. It feels like she is in charge of everything.

I wasn't really angry or anything, just wished I would be included more. So I tried my best to respond to cust as soon as I see notifications. I thought, maybe if I do it fast, then I get to help at least a lil bit. At least I get the orders down for her so she can go ahead and arrange with the suppliers.

It went well.. Until.. She started doing things without informing me or keeping me in the loop. Setting dates without discussing. Closing orders without informing. Etc. I guess it's just her style of doing things, but I always update her when I do anything so I guess I felt sad that she was starting to leave me out. I tried to brush it off and dgn tak tau malu nye still msg as per normal. Then she started not replying my msges, or even if she replied it would sound hostile or can't be bothered.. Like wtv anything up to you.

And now she's blatantly avoiding me. And I have no idea why. I wish she would just say it to my face. At least that way I would know what I've done wrong and can sincerely apologise for it.

Maybe d2 was right. Maybe I really should have chosen someone else. Someone I can talk to and someone who could talk to me and be straight up honest with me (I'm not a mindreader). So yeah, maybe it really is my fault.

Am still trying to hang on, hoping she would start talking to me soon. But I told d2 that if this continues, she can have it. I'm prepared to give it all up. It was supposed to be fun. Not so fun anymore. I don't even mind not getting my money back or the many late hours I've spent staying up for this. Even if we made millions, it's not worth sacrificing my happiness, and d2-dila's friendship. So there.

P/s: I suddenly feel like wearing nothing but a camo nursing bra and pants and biting a grenade teether that would really explode.


hahahha just thot of typing that xD ...

WOW I can't believe its been soooooo long since I last stepped foot on lj... o_o

seems like a lot of things have happened since.. and although it wasn't that long a time, I feel like much has changed..

First of all, let me just say this.. considering there is only less than 2 months left to back out (haha), I must say that both d2 and myself are now rather prepared (mentally) to take the life-altering plunge.

Since the last entry, we've learnt to give and take, tried to be less petty over petty lil things, and so far, our efforts seem to be paying off (yay!).. I guess the reality of being stuck with each other for the rest of our lives has finally sunk in.. n we are getting along better than ever before (throws confetti~)..

Of course, we still do have our fights (without anger, violence and vulgarities, what fun would that be, right?).. but they're not as extreme or get dragged out as long as before.. so I must say we're doing rather well for a (7 years' old) couple =3

So... tomorrow will be the inevitable ROMM interview.. I'm not sure exactly what they will ask.. but I think I'm rather confident we will pass.. Why I'm confident? I dunno... but I just know we will.. :)

Hopefully no hiccups tomorrow in terms of the administration part.. I got all the cert n printouts n ic ready.. I think that should be all we need..

Looking forward to tomorrow.. sweet dreams! x)

darah basi?

book photographer pon gaduh.. book kadi pon gaduh.. every time ada slight pressure or slight problem je gaduh.. Haiz... i thot my dad wud b a pain in d ass when it comes to wedding planning.. apparently he's an even bigger pain.. ever since young, I've looked forward to my wedding day.. now, i just can't wait to get it over n done with.. Im starting to hv reservations if i really did make the right choice.. i thot i found the one.. the one who wud lift me up when Im down, save me when Im falling, comfort me when i cry.. turn out i found the one who makes me feel down, pushes me off the cliff and is the reason i cry instead.. i wanna feel happy again.. am i supposed to feel excited? cos honestly, Im not..

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